Your need to push him or her to the
edge is a love crusher.
As Andrea Miller describes in her
book Radical Acceptance, radically accepting your partner isn’t always
easy, but it is worth it. Radically accepting this person for who he or she is;
radically accepting yourself for who you are; recognizing when your own junk
and baggage are creeping into your relationship; recognizing when your desires
and needs are projected onto your partner; forgetting that he or she has his or
her own unique desires and needs; recognizing when you are getting in the way
of your own happiness with your partner; acceptance of yourself and your
partner — this is what love takes.
Here are 9 signs you’re not practicing
radical acceptance with your partner.
1. You push them.
This is one I had to learn myself.
Pushing someone because you need him or her to do what you want him or her to
do won’t help the relationship. It must come from the other person, and if
it doesn’t, either you wait for it to come in his or her own time or you
decide you cannot be with the person.
If you are pushing your partner to
do/be/say something, you are actively asking this person to push you back — and
not in the best way. Quit it. Let this person come to around; if not, then you
make the choice if this relationship works for you or not.
2. You shut them out
Do you get upset and
emotionally shut your partner out? Are you difficult to approach? This is
a hard example of you not radically accepting yourself. By doing so, you
make it difficult for your partner and, in a sense, are not radically accepting
him or her.
How so? Well, you’re not giving this
person the chance to communicate with you. You’re ending the conversation
before it happens. It’s not good.
3. You assume
If your partner upsets you and you
assume it’s because he or she wants to make you mad, you’re not radically
accepting your love. You’re not considering how his or her day may have
impacted that one thing that bothered you.
You’re assuming, which just makes an
ass of you. Stop it. There could be any number of reasons for your partner’s
behavior.
4. You think they’re mind-readers.
“But I really wanted…”
“Doesn’t she know…”
Ever hear yourself saying or
thinking these things? Our partners aren’t mind-readers. Radically accept that
your partner will mess up and won’t always know the right thing to do.
Accept that you — by not
communicating your needs — are uncomfortable with your own desires and needs.
You are feeling guilt over what you want and therefore can’t share it
with your partner. Somehow, you expect this person to “know” what you want,
which is unfair to everyone involved.
5. You react without thinking.
Are you prone to blowing up or
jumping to respond to your partner’s text or email with disapproval? Radical
acceptance requires you to breathe deep and think before you react to your
partner. Oftentimes, if we just thought more carefully, we would respond in a
more appropriate manner.
If you’re blowing up at your partner
or reacting too quickly, you’re not radically accepting him or her and you’re
not much fun to be around, either.
6. You constantly complain
We all complain from time to time
about our partners, but if you have made it a constant bitch session, it’s a
sure sign you’re not radically accepting your partner. Think of it this
way: Would an outsider view your partner’s behavior with the same
irritation? Or are you overreacting?
7. You always have to be right
Have you noticed that
you’re always trying to “win” any battle or disagreement that comes up between
you and your partner? This desire to win is a sure sign of many things:
- You’re not listening to your partner.
- You’re insecure.
- You’re not accepting yourself or your partner.
Don’t focus on the “win” in the
relationship. Focus on getting on the same track and, if possible, sharing the
same vision.
8. You keep having the same
fight
Do you two have the same old
fight constantly? Think about it: is arguing going to change whatever your
partner is doing or not doing? It hasn’t thus far, so accept it or walk away.
Battling and expecting your partner to do X, Y or Z has gotten you nowhere thus
far. Accept and move forward!
9. You withhold affection
When you get chilly and start to
shut out your partner physically, it’s a brutal sign that you’re not radically
accepting this person and are letting your emotions shut the relationship down.
If you feel this way, consider these things first:
- Are you overreacting? Would a stranger agree to your cold shoulder act?
- Why are you so upset? Is it worth it?
- Are you communicating how you feel with your partner, or expecting him or her to mind-read?
- Are you projecting what you want your partner to do, onto him or her without considering if he or she wants to do it or not?
–
Source: Your Tango
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