It's the classic bad horror movie trope: you make a new BFF who seems amazing at first. Slowly, you notice she maybe wears the same shirt as you or, huh, weird, bought the same perfume? It escalates until she's copied your entire wardrobe and every other notable aspect of your personality – all because she wants to kill you and steal your perfect life!...
In reality, the reasons for your close friend
jacking your style are probably a little less sinister. "It takes work
to find your style, or hone your personality, or refine your social
media persona," says New York-based research psychologist Dr. Peggy Drexler.
"Sometimes people can view it as just easier to mimic someone else’s."
While it can be anywhere from annoying to concerning when your best
friend totally absorbs your personality, there are ways to handle this
without making them the villain of your life. Here are four steps you
can take if you have a copycat BFF:
1. Be honest with yourself: are you copying them too?
It's
natural that when two people hang out, they tend to subconsciously
mirror each other in some ways. And, from a biological standpoint, we
actually have "mirror neurons"
that help us learn new behaviors in order to survive. Plus, if you're
both super close, you could also be copying her in some small ways
without realizing it too. Dr. Drexler suggests asking yourself if it's a
two-way street of seeing each other as style inspo – then that just
means you both admire each other and just happen to have coordinating
tastes!
So your friend getting the same shoes as you or
suddenly getting into yoga after you post a #Namaste selfie isn't
something to be really concerned about.
2. Try to see if it's something you can ignore.
Yeah, if your friend got a very
similar tattoo as you or suddenly shops at the same obscure boutique
you told her about a week ago, it doesn't feel great. But it also
doesn't mean your friendship has to be over. "If you’ve got a friend who
loves how you look and is either less able, or less confident in her
ability, to put a look together herself, it’s worth thinking about
whether you can just live with it," says Dr. Drexler. "Weigh how
troubling her copying is against all the good things she and her
friendship provide you."However, in the times of social media, things can
get more complicated.
"If, say, you’re someone looking to use social
media to build your brand, having someone come in and essentially mimic
it to the point of rendering your hard work irrelevant is unsettling,"
says Dr. Drexler. "In the most extreme versions, it’s also a form of
identity theft." If your friend is always posting identically-styled
photos and stealing your hashtags when they know you work hard on those
puns, you have more of a right to feel angry, worried, and a little bit
betrayed.
3. Explore little workarounds if it really bothers you.
If
she has a habit of asking you where you got that necklace and then goes
out to buy the same one, you can just say "I forget where I got it" or
"it's from a thrift store." Ideally though, you'll at least want to tell
her that the mimicry is bugging you a little.
"Offer to help her figure out her own style, or
social media persona," advises Dr. Drexler. "Let her know, casually, how
much time and thought you put into it and offer to give her some tips
for how she can do the same, if she’d like." If she feels overwhelmed by
her Pinterest options, you can always direct her to an Instagram style
account you love or general brands you love.
4. If all else fails: talk to them, but be kind.
Story
time! When I was in middle school, a friend started trading in her
Abercrombie digs for Hot Topic. From a combination of feeling insecure
at the start of middle school to having a thing for Jack Skellington
t-shirts, I also went to Hot Topic. This led to lots of overt lunch
table whispering and an eventual AIM ambush where she and her squad all
told me I was her clone and couldn't sit with them anymore (we never
spoke again).
True, I made new, nicer friends and she's sent me a
very-validating Facebook friend request since, but it made 7th grade so
much more miserable than it already was. So, just saying, consider never
doing this!
"I wouldn’t suggest asking other friends to get
involved on your behalf—this is between the two of you—but certainly you
have a right to voice your frustration with other friends," says Dr.
Drexler, further reinforcing my point of OH MY GOD, DO NOT HOLD AN
INTERVENTION WITH YOUR FRIENDS.
"There may also be issues related to low
self-esteem or low confidence in her ability to find her own personal
style," adds Drexler. Making it obvious that you all talked about it and
see her as a ruthless copycat (when she truly may not have fully been
aware) is cruel and humiliating, especially when she already might feel
really down on herself.
Talk to her one-on-one
and as best you can without judgment or the worst assumptions of her
character. If she denies copying or accuses *you* of copying her, you
can say goodbye once and for all – that is not a good person to have in
your life. But if she's a little embarrassed and vulnerable, you can
both walk away from this time in your friendship (in hopefully
non-matching shoes).
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